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Question 6

I want to know how to deal with the manipulations used to avoid substance abuse issues.

‘Manipulation’ is another word with negative connotations. Let’s reframe this statement to read “I want to know how to advocate for women who do not feel safe enough to be open about their substance use.” Every day advocates deal with women other systems label as impossible. In our field we understand women make decisions about their safety daily and we recognize dealing with domestic violence is a process. You, as battered women’s advocates, have all the skills you need to deal with the ‘manipulations’ associated with addiction if you understand this manipulation is a survival strategy. Recognize the woman you are working with is in an abusive relationship with a substance that has her in chains no less binding than the oppressive chains a batterer uses to bind a victim. Also, you are not alone. Substance abuse counselors can address the addiction and help you focus on your role which is to provide advocacy. Women facing the dual stigma of both addiction and domestic violence may be reluctant to openly seek help. Generally speaking, women don’t routinely self-identify as either addicted or battered unless their safety is assured. Safety includes knowing you are not being labeled or judged. Chemically dependent battered women tell us they benefit most from advocates who:

“Try to make you feel like you aren’t the only one. And that somebody else did make it. And someone else has made a life for themselves. They try to make you feel that you’re not worthless or useless.”

Chemically dependent battered women have little reason to trust. Both their bodies and their partners have let them down. Advocacy based counseling looks different for chemically dependent battered women who may have withdrawal issues, memory distortions and cognitive deficits. Advocacy-based counseling for those impacted by substance abuse and/or addiction may include: Repeating information, providing structure, simplifying goals, advocating for their inclusion in shelters and other victim service programs and understanding the impact of chemicals on safety planning and role identity.

Respectful screening for addiction issues that may impact safety involves conveying the message addiction and violence can happen to anyone. Advise women: “Any woman is vulnerable; you are not alone should these problems be facing you.” A successful intervention requires internally moving beyond the notion, “Why doesn’t she just quit?” or “Why doesn’t she just leave?” Questions such as these convey lack of knowledge and failure to understand the complexity of safely ending a relationship with either a substance or an abusive partner.

Honestly discussing sobriety as a safety risk is extremely important. A woman’s decision not to stop using immediately or to decline treatment, advocacy or shelter should not be viewed as failure. Recovery is both an option and a process that can take time. Know your resources. Build alliances with substance abuse prevention professionals and treatment providers. You don’t need to be a chemical dependency counselor. A chemical dependency counselor can provide treatment when it is safe. Addicts will engage in manipulative behavior because they are terrified they cannot live without their substance. They are in pain and they are scared. If we can accept that manipulation is a reasonable way to address the tyranny of addiction we can acknowledge that manipulation is not about fooling us but about survival. If you feel manipulated, so what! Recognize manipulation is a survival strategy. Be respectful but offer program participants honesty as well as options to honestly get what they want or need when they are ready.

Example

“Mary, if I were afraid I would lose my housing I would say I was not drinking too. You don’t have to cover up here. I know you were drinking cause for what ever reason, you felt you had to. People do that. But I’m worried about you."

Sample follow-up statements might include:

1. Are you more afraid of stopping drinking then of your batterer? Either one can be scary. Both together may be worse.
2. What problem scares you the most? What do you want to work on first? What can I do to help you?
3. If there was one thing I could do to support you, what would it be? What do you want to do?

The Intervention is in the Asking

“I could not recover from substance abuse if I was still being physically abused, mentally abused, because I would be right back to using. So they walk hand in hand. I would not recover from one unless I address the other, and vice versa.”

It is not necessary for advocates to become chemical dependency counselors but it is important for them to ask about substance use. Countless intervention opportunities are missed when advocates are afraid to ask lest they offend or view intervention as futile. The intervention is in the asking. When women are respectfully asked about both their use and their safety, they hear, even if they are not yet ready to listen or enact change immediately. Often women will later share comments such as, “You know, when you said...it really made sense to me.” Supporting women through their process of change requires an understanding that motivation comes from within. It also takes knowledge of local resources. Safety and sobriety are indeed possible. Acknowledging the woman before you has managed to survive; sincerely appreciating her individual strengths and recognizing her innate dignity can support her own process and help build a healthy and powerful alliance that benefits both her and her children.

We Share a Similar Story

Safety and sobriety can be addressed respectfully if we acknowledge both substance use (e.g. a glass of wine with dinner), and being in an intimate relationship (e.g. dating or having a partner) is a common experience both for the women we serve and for us. This means misuse of substances or abuse within a romantic relationship could happen to anyone. Any woman may use substances or find herself with a partner. This being the case, any woman could find herself having a problem with either or both through no fault of her own.

Women suffering from addiction don’t know when they have the first drink or take the first drug what the future will hold. They expect to ‘feel better’ or ‘kill pain’ and find themselves believing they can ‘control’ it. Unfortunately, addiction is about loss of control and powerlessness. This loss of control and powerlessness does not mean one is weak or helpless. Instead, those who experience addiction cannot reasonably predict what will happen when they use. One is powerless only in terms of how one’s body, one’s liver, one’s brain responds once alcohol or other drugs are introduced inside it. Many addicted women don’t want to stop using alcohol or drugs. They want the craving, the problems and the pain of withdrawal to stop. They want to be like everybody else who can have a social drink or take medication without serious physical ramifications. Unfortunately, once an allergy is discovered, the addict must forever avoid substances or experience life-threatening consequences much as those who are allergic to bees must avoid getting stung. Fortunately we can support women’s empowerment through our knowledge of options and available resources.

When possible, encourage chemically dependent battered women to consider attending a support group addressing issues pertaining to both domestic violence and chemical dependency. Integrated support groups offer women a format to heal utilizing techniques that are applicable for reaching both goals of safety and sobriety. The major goal of successful groups addressing these issues is to be a safe place where women can tell their story, be believed and begin the healing and connection process. Gender specific support groups and treatment are generally recommended for battered women.

“And it feels in the beginning that it’s the end of the world, but it’s actually the beginning of a new life.”

“I have my youngest daughter back. She lives with me. My oldest daughter is getting married and my middle daughter is a college student.”

Women from all walks of life are at risk for domestic violence and chemical dependency but screening, identification and intervention can provide empowering options. Women from all walks of life get safe and sober and raise safe, healthy children. Be a bridge to safety and sobriety, screen for substance abuse as part of a safety plan.

Getting Safe and Sober: Real Tools You Can Use
©Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault 2005

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